I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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