Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
