Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
