Your face is a jimmy john
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
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Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
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he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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