Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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