your room smells of hookers.
And success
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
