is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
