Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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