That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
