i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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