This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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