guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
