you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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