everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
