Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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