10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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