She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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