4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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