i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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