everyone is single if you try hard enough
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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