When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
