Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
