Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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