I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
