Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
