I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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