I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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