i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
