roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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