Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
