everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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