Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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