I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
