bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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