checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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