So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
two words: eviction party
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
