i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
