mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
