The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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