I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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