I wish life had little blips of pornography
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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