New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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