Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
