My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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