I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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