Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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