I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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