can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
