Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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