I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
