All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
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legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
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WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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