Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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