Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
