Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
whose parrot is this?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
