So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
How does one acquire holy water?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
