we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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