thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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