you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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