I seem to have left my pride at pride
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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