I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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