dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
