a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
