I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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